The Sink That Was His Prison

Man Discovered Alive After 27 Years Under a Sink.

Jedediah M. Buttweasel (54) of Dalark, Arkansas was rescued last Tuesday after spending over 27 years under a sink in a public restroom at the local Piggly Wiggly grocery store.

Exhausted, severely emaciated, pale and somewhat smelly, Mr. Buttweasel was relieved and overcome with joy as his long, horrible ordeal finally came to an end as local police and fire rescue escorted him into the first daylight he had seen in nearly 3 decades. Although in desperate need of hospitalization, food and deoderant, Mr. Buttweasel graciously took a moment to graciously speak to reporters.

When asked how he had gotten stuck under the public restroom sink in the first place, Jedediah replied, “Oh, well. I wasn't never stuck under that gol-derned sink in the first place. I just liked being there. It's cozy and quiet and the flushing of the toilets lulled me off near to sleep.” He later remarked that he warded off starvation on a steady diet of mildew, roaches and urinal cookies.

Rescue workers, satisfied with a job well done were asked how they discovered the beleaguered Mr. Buttweasel under the Piggly Wiggly restroom sink in the first place. Fire chief Clem Patterson told reporters, “Well, we always kinda wondered where Jedediah had got to but we just figured he probably must have gone fishing and got et by a gator, a python or zebra or something. But then, starting about three weeks ago we started getting reports from men local to the area that there was some creepy guy hanging out under the sink at the Piggly Wiggly. This morning we all figured he might be one of them damn liberals so we came and got him. Imagine our surprise when we found out it was long lost Jed.”

When asked if the police and fire department had a difficult time extracting Mr. Buttweasel from the sink that was his prison, Chief Patterson replied, “Naw, it weren't too hard. Took about 14 hours but we got him. We almost had him lured out around lunch time with a couple vienna sausages and some pork rinds but he said he wouldn't even think about coming out until we could assure him the war was over.” When questioned about exactly which war Jedediah was referring to Chief Patterson said, “Well, nobody here is quite too sure what the heck he was talking about. Heck, the man spent 27 years under a sink. He's a hero. Jedediah Buttweasel is probably the greatest man in our town's history.”

Police and government authorities later informed the press that they eventually got Mr. Buttweasel out from under his sink when they convinced him that Hall & Oats hadn't had a hit song in over 20 years and it was ok for him to come out. Truly a remarkable tale of survival.