In the Great Pacific Northwest there have long been stories and legends regarding a human-like hair-suit giant that is not a man and yet not an animal; a missing link, an evolutionary dead-end that mankind has both feared and sought after to explain what could not be explained, possibly to learn more about ourselves as a species and our distant past. Could Sasquatch be homo-sapiens' next of kin? Our evolutionary brother that has managed to survive for thousands of years, existing before all traces of human history were ever recorded and living amongst us now as a relic of our unknown past? Could such a quiet, reclusive creature still exist among us now, skulking in the darkness of ancient North American forests? The fact is yes. Now we know. Sasquatch does in fact exist among us and he's a urinary-obsessed, cross-dressing pervert and a fan of the Vancouver Canucks Ice Hockey Team.
According to reliable sources, namely the Royal Canadian Dismounted Ubiquitous Narcotics Guard (or R.C.D.U.N.G.) it seems there is definitive proof that Bigfoot a/k/a Sasquatch actually exists and is dwelling in and around a disused commune near a remote Canadian village, eating garbage and day-old donuts, and wearing womens' undergarments. Enid L. Jehoshaphat of Chaumox, B.C., Canada reported to Canadian authorities last Monday that Sasquatch has been breaking into her home, urinating on her priceless collection of antique Lithuanian tea-cozies and wearing her vast array of turn-of-the-century crotchless panties that had been salvaged from a Lower East Side New York whore house in 1932. Evidently the burglaries have been going on for over forty years and now she's fed up.
“I was fine with Sasquatch breaking into my house, wearing my panties, and peeing on my tea-cozies for over 40 years!” Miss Jehoshaphat said on CBC radio. “But when I came home unexpectedly and he threatened me, I'd had enough!”
According to Miss Jehoshaphat Bigfoot had threatened to play his 8-tracks of Marillion for her and vote Liberal in the upcoming Canadian election.
“We weren't aware that Sasquatch was a registered voter,” Lieutenant Elwyn Danforth of the RCDUNG reported to Dubious News reporters. “We had been aware that he was involved in the burglary and vandalism of Enid Jehoshaphat's property for decades, as well as cross-dressing, attending the local gay-only bar (“The Queer Elk”), extortion, drug smuggling, murder-for-hire, human trafficking, panhandling and Jay-Walking. If we'd have suspected that he may vote liberal we would have run him out of town years ago.”
When Lt. Elwyn Danforth's comments were reported to the Canadian Authority for Equal Rights and Pancake Day (or CAERPD), their only comment was: “Chaumax? No wonder Sasquatch lives there.”
However, there was an anthropological quandary to be solved. Following an intensive investigation and examination of Sasquatch's spunk by Professor James Robert Stewart McDougal-McFitzpatrick-MacDonald of the Nova Scotia Institute of Inbred Highlanders it was determined by extraction of Sasquatch's DNA that Big Foot was in fact an Ex-Con from Lethbridge by the name of Wilson “Groovy” Nelson. And though scientists have excluded Mr. “Groovy” as being a missing link or distinct new species, they have isolated the gene that causes conscientious voting and it can now be cured at birth.
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