Gerald K. Wertz (57) of Cincinnati, OH filed a home invasion complaint with local police early Wednesday morning following what he described as a violent and malicious attack on himself, his wife and their family pet, Mittens. Traumatized and in shock from the experience, Mrs. Martha Wertz (52) was later admitted to Cincinnati's St. Jude hospital for further tests and psychiatric evaluation. The culprits? None other than space aliens from the planet Frort. One suspect remains in custody.
In a statement given to police, Mr. Wertz claimed that, around 11:30 pm the previous evening, he, his wife Martha and their cat Mittens were quietly engaged in an evening around the television watching their complete set of “Three's Company” DVDs when there was a quiet knock on the door. Upon answering the door, Mr. Wertz told police that he was confronted by three green-skinned aliens with tentacle arms and protruding eye-stalks who politely inquired if they could use his bathroom. Wertz claimed that after responding to the aliens in the negative and closing the door, the aliens blasted his front door open with a laser pistol and entered his home by force.
Wertz then went on to tell local authorities that he, his wife and his cat Mittens were then subdued by some sort of alien mind-ray as the aliens ransacked his home. While the only items reported missing from the home were a pot holder, a mermaid lamp with a clock in it's belly and half a pack of chewing gum, the main complaint the Wertz's had was the physical assault and humiliation that they suffered during the home invasion, while still under alien mind-control.
Wertz claims that the aliens, announcing themselves as Frortians, “Of the Frort, by the Frort and nothing but the Frort” bedazzled the couple with a beam of sparkling light emanating from a strange silver-colored hand-held device that looked remarkably like Mr. Wertz's television remote control. The aliens then forced them both to strip naked, cover themselves with Crisco and bean casserole and engage in bizarre sexual rituals for their entertainment. They then gave the couple anal probes with Mr. Wertz's own walking cane, leaving them both with severe cases of bleeding hemorrhoids. Wertz then claims they shaved his cat, tortured it with electro-shock therapy and used his bathroom without asking. Following the assault, the aliens disappeared into a shaft of light, taking with them the pot holder, the lamp and the half-used pack of chewing gum.
“Them aliens gave me hemorrhoids and I'm damn mad!” Mr. Wertz exclaimed to local reporters. “And what's worse, they made me use up all my Crisco and then stole my Dentyne!”
The suspect, namely Wordle Hangrofph Prime (27) of Toledo, OH, a green-skinned, tentacle-armed space alien with protruding eye-stalks, remains in custody with the Cincinnati Police at this hour. Although Mr. Prime claims to know nothing about the night in question, says that he was on the other side of town at the time, has never seen the Wertz's before and claims to be from the planet Gorbam and not Frort – and that Frort isn't even a really a planet, he remains a "prime" suspect in the case as he was caught in possession of several Dentyne gum wrappers on his person at the time of his arrest.
Sergeant M. Davis of the Cincinnati police, bewildered by the level of violence involved in the attack and the severity of the crime, was quoted by reporters as saying merely, “I hate when this happens.”
The INS, also currently reviewing Mr. Prime's legal status told reporters that if found guilty, following his time in prison, Mr. Prime may force deportation to Portugal.
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