The somewhat popular rock musician "Sting", best known for his work in the British 80's band "The Police" was reported to have been found dead in a Michigan hotel room early this morning.
Apparently Sting's bloated, rotting corpse was discovered floating face down in a tepid jacuzzi filled with regurgitated pickle juice, pork fat and cottage cheese.
After the reeking cadaver was fished from the jacuzzi with a boat hook, it was confirmed by veteran Detroit police ofiicers that the body was in fact that of "Sting".
However, after several minutes of examination by Chief Coroner Elwyn "Marn" Logwupple, a thirty year veteran of the Wayne County Coroners office, it was determined that Sting was actually alive and had only been lying face down in a jacuzzi full of vomit to get media attention.
When asked why his 'corpse' was so bloated, Sting was said to explain to police that it was merely his ego. Sting reportedly went on to say that the wretched, death-like stench that permeated the entire top floor of the hotel was probably just his cologne.
And so, any and all reports of Sting's untimely demise are completely and utterly false or entirely fabricated, chiefly by myself. Sting is most definitely alive.
The world mourns it's loss.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Space Aliens Gave Me Hemorrhoids
Gerald K. Wertz (57) of Cincinnati, OH filed a home invasion complaint with local police early Wednesday morning following what he described as a violent and malicious attack on himself, his wife and their family pet, Mittens. Traumatized and in shock from the experience, Mrs. Martha Wertz (52) was later admitted to Cincinnati's St. Jude hospital for further tests and psychiatric evaluation. The culprits? None other than space aliens from the planet Frort. One suspect remains in custody.
In a statement given to police, Mr. Wertz claimed that, around 11:30 pm the previous evening, he, his wife Martha and their cat Mittens were quietly engaged in an evening around the television watching their complete set of “Three's Company” DVDs when there was a quiet knock on the door. Upon answering the door, Mr. Wertz told police that he was confronted by three green-skinned aliens with tentacle arms and protruding eye-stalks who politely inquired if they could use his bathroom. Wertz claimed that after responding to the aliens in the negative and closing the door, the aliens blasted his front door open with a laser pistol and entered his home by force.
Wertz then went on to tell local authorities that he, his wife and his cat Mittens were then subdued by some sort of alien mind-ray as the aliens ransacked his home. While the only items reported missing from the home were a pot holder, a mermaid lamp with a clock in it's belly and half a pack of chewing gum, the main complaint the Wertz's had was the physical assault and humiliation that they suffered during the home invasion, while still under alien mind-control.
Wertz claims that the aliens, announcing themselves as Frortians, “Of the Frort, by the Frort and nothing but the Frort” bedazzled the couple with a beam of sparkling light emanating from a strange silver-colored hand-held device that looked remarkably like Mr. Wertz's television remote control. The aliens then forced them both to strip naked, cover themselves with Crisco and bean casserole and engage in bizarre sexual rituals for their entertainment. They then gave the couple anal probes with Mr. Wertz's own walking cane, leaving them both with severe cases of bleeding hemorrhoids. Wertz then claims they shaved his cat, tortured it with electro-shock therapy and used his bathroom without asking. Following the assault, the aliens disappeared into a shaft of light, taking with them the pot holder, the lamp and the half-used pack of chewing gum.
“Them aliens gave me hemorrhoids and I'm damn mad!” Mr. Wertz exclaimed to local reporters. “And what's worse, they made me use up all my Crisco and then stole my Dentyne!”
The suspect, namely Wordle Hangrofph Prime (27) of Toledo, OH, a green-skinned, tentacle-armed space alien with protruding eye-stalks, remains in custody with the Cincinnati Police at this hour. Although Mr. Prime claims to know nothing about the night in question, says that he was on the other side of town at the time, has never seen the Wertz's before and claims to be from the planet Gorbam and not Frort – and that Frort isn't even a really a planet, he remains a "prime" suspect in the case as he was caught in possession of several Dentyne gum wrappers on his person at the time of his arrest.
Sergeant M. Davis of the Cincinnati police, bewildered by the level of violence involved in the attack and the severity of the crime, was quoted by reporters as saying merely, “I hate when this happens.”
The INS, also currently reviewing Mr. Prime's legal status told reporters that if found guilty, following his time in prison, Mr. Prime may force deportation to Portugal.
In a statement given to police, Mr. Wertz claimed that, around 11:30 pm the previous evening, he, his wife Martha and their cat Mittens were quietly engaged in an evening around the television watching their complete set of “Three's Company” DVDs when there was a quiet knock on the door. Upon answering the door, Mr. Wertz told police that he was confronted by three green-skinned aliens with tentacle arms and protruding eye-stalks who politely inquired if they could use his bathroom. Wertz claimed that after responding to the aliens in the negative and closing the door, the aliens blasted his front door open with a laser pistol and entered his home by force.
Wertz then went on to tell local authorities that he, his wife and his cat Mittens were then subdued by some sort of alien mind-ray as the aliens ransacked his home. While the only items reported missing from the home were a pot holder, a mermaid lamp with a clock in it's belly and half a pack of chewing gum, the main complaint the Wertz's had was the physical assault and humiliation that they suffered during the home invasion, while still under alien mind-control.
Wertz claims that the aliens, announcing themselves as Frortians, “Of the Frort, by the Frort and nothing but the Frort” bedazzled the couple with a beam of sparkling light emanating from a strange silver-colored hand-held device that looked remarkably like Mr. Wertz's television remote control. The aliens then forced them both to strip naked, cover themselves with Crisco and bean casserole and engage in bizarre sexual rituals for their entertainment. They then gave the couple anal probes with Mr. Wertz's own walking cane, leaving them both with severe cases of bleeding hemorrhoids. Wertz then claims they shaved his cat, tortured it with electro-shock therapy and used his bathroom without asking. Following the assault, the aliens disappeared into a shaft of light, taking with them the pot holder, the lamp and the half-used pack of chewing gum.
“Them aliens gave me hemorrhoids and I'm damn mad!” Mr. Wertz exclaimed to local reporters. “And what's worse, they made me use up all my Crisco and then stole my Dentyne!”
The suspect, namely Wordle Hangrofph Prime (27) of Toledo, OH, a green-skinned, tentacle-armed space alien with protruding eye-stalks, remains in custody with the Cincinnati Police at this hour. Although Mr. Prime claims to know nothing about the night in question, says that he was on the other side of town at the time, has never seen the Wertz's before and claims to be from the planet Gorbam and not Frort – and that Frort isn't even a really a planet, he remains a "prime" suspect in the case as he was caught in possession of several Dentyne gum wrappers on his person at the time of his arrest.
Sergeant M. Davis of the Cincinnati police, bewildered by the level of violence involved in the attack and the severity of the crime, was quoted by reporters as saying merely, “I hate when this happens.”
The INS, also currently reviewing Mr. Prime's legal status told reporters that if found guilty, following his time in prison, Mr. Prime may force deportation to Portugal.
Justin Bieber is a Reincarnation of My Hamster
Clifford R. McDuff Jr. (63), retired nudist beach janitor and Beulah, North Dakota native is currently in a legal battle with famed pop superstar Justin Bieber over song rights and music finances as he is laying claim to a large percentage of Bieber's music fortune.
As dictated by a legal Last Will and Testament, McDuff claims that he has legal rights to 78% of Bieber's annual income as he insists the popular musician is in fact a physical reincarnation of his late hamster, “Mr. Buttons”.
Although the legal battle is just beginning it is estimated that it may take years or even decades to sort out in courts.
“Justin Bieber's got my moneys!” exclaimed Mr. McDuff as he emerged from the Podunk County Courthouse in Beaulah, North Dakota. “I know he's Mr. Buttons! I knows it!”
Mr. McDuff was reportedly making reference to the legal document signed by his former hamster that entitled him to a large percentage of the income earned by the ex-rodent's hit songs.
Upon examination of the cage once occupied by the deceased “Mr. Buttons”, who sadly perished in a freak blender accident in February of 1994, a slab of purple gnaw-block was in fact discovered that contained song lyrics, written in hamster-script, that were identical to those sung in the Bieber hit “Never Let You Go”. Although indecipherable to the average eye or even the hamster-script layman, investigators were satisfied that the crude bite marks and scratches found on the purple-dyed piece of balsa wood were in fact song lyrics that were subsequently reproduced by Bieber after a thorough and exhausting investigation from hamster-script expert Professor James L. Worfadongle, PhD. of the University of Vanatu.
Following his investigation, Professor Worfadongle was quoted as saying: “Although the hamster-script in question does contain song lyrics identical to those of Mr. Bieber I, as yet, cannot postulate whether or not they were written before or after the song in question was produced. They will of course need to be carbon dated.”
Reporters were later informed that the official carbon dating of the gnaw-block will be conducted in a undisclosed location within a 30-foot thick, steel-reinforced concrete bunker buried 60 meters underground by experts at the University of Lesser Guam. They will of course perform this all-essential carbon-dating while under armed guard.
While Mr. Buttons' Last Will and Testament, giving Clifford McDuff complete legal and financial rights to all Mr. Buttons' hit songs in perpetuity and particularly following reincarnation, was written completely in plain English and not in hamster-script, it was, however, prepared legally by the distinguished attorneys at the law firm of Krankowitz, Urf and McBoo, signed by Mr. Buttons (paw print) and ratified by two witnesses who under the circumstances refuse to be identified.
Bieber, however, is reportedly trying to seek a quiet out-of-court settlement with McDuff and is rumored to feel confident that he will achieve one. The settlement terms, as leaked to reporters by an undisclosed party dressed in a black-and-white horizontally striped suit, goofy hat and a black mask, are suspected to be a life-time supply of free 50-cent apple pies & senior coffees to be awarded to Mr. McDuff in exchange for his silence. However, this information has yet to be substantiated as the rumor-leaker in question has said nothing to reporters other than “Robble-robble”.
As dictated by a legal Last Will and Testament, McDuff claims that he has legal rights to 78% of Bieber's annual income as he insists the popular musician is in fact a physical reincarnation of his late hamster, “Mr. Buttons”.
Although the legal battle is just beginning it is estimated that it may take years or even decades to sort out in courts.
“Justin Bieber's got my moneys!” exclaimed Mr. McDuff as he emerged from the Podunk County Courthouse in Beaulah, North Dakota. “I know he's Mr. Buttons! I knows it!”
Mr. McDuff was reportedly making reference to the legal document signed by his former hamster that entitled him to a large percentage of the income earned by the ex-rodent's hit songs.
Upon examination of the cage once occupied by the deceased “Mr. Buttons”, who sadly perished in a freak blender accident in February of 1994, a slab of purple gnaw-block was in fact discovered that contained song lyrics, written in hamster-script, that were identical to those sung in the Bieber hit “Never Let You Go”. Although indecipherable to the average eye or even the hamster-script layman, investigators were satisfied that the crude bite marks and scratches found on the purple-dyed piece of balsa wood were in fact song lyrics that were subsequently reproduced by Bieber after a thorough and exhausting investigation from hamster-script expert Professor James L. Worfadongle, PhD. of the University of Vanatu.
Following his investigation, Professor Worfadongle was quoted as saying: “Although the hamster-script in question does contain song lyrics identical to those of Mr. Bieber I, as yet, cannot postulate whether or not they were written before or after the song in question was produced. They will of course need to be carbon dated.”
Reporters were later informed that the official carbon dating of the gnaw-block will be conducted in a undisclosed location within a 30-foot thick, steel-reinforced concrete bunker buried 60 meters underground by experts at the University of Lesser Guam. They will of course perform this all-essential carbon-dating while under armed guard.
While Mr. Buttons' Last Will and Testament, giving Clifford McDuff complete legal and financial rights to all Mr. Buttons' hit songs in perpetuity and particularly following reincarnation, was written completely in plain English and not in hamster-script, it was, however, prepared legally by the distinguished attorneys at the law firm of Krankowitz, Urf and McBoo, signed by Mr. Buttons (paw print) and ratified by two witnesses who under the circumstances refuse to be identified.
Bieber, however, is reportedly trying to seek a quiet out-of-court settlement with McDuff and is rumored to feel confident that he will achieve one. The settlement terms, as leaked to reporters by an undisclosed party dressed in a black-and-white horizontally striped suit, goofy hat and a black mask, are suspected to be a life-time supply of free 50-cent apple pies & senior coffees to be awarded to Mr. McDuff in exchange for his silence. However, this information has yet to be substantiated as the rumor-leaker in question has said nothing to reporters other than “Robble-robble”.
Sasquatch Wore My Panties
In the Great Pacific Northwest there have long been stories and legends regarding a human-like hair-suit giant that is not a man and yet not an animal; a missing link, an evolutionary dead-end that mankind has both feared and sought after to explain what could not be explained, possibly to learn more about ourselves as a species and our distant past. Could Sasquatch be homo-sapiens' next of kin? Our evolutionary brother that has managed to survive for thousands of years, existing before all traces of human history were ever recorded and living amongst us now as a relic of our unknown past? Could such a quiet, reclusive creature still exist among us now, skulking in the darkness of ancient North American forests? The fact is yes. Now we know. Sasquatch does in fact exist among us and he's a urinary-obsessed, cross-dressing pervert and a fan of the Vancouver Canucks Ice Hockey Team.
According to reliable sources, namely the Royal Canadian Dismounted Ubiquitous Narcotics Guard (or R.C.D.U.N.G.) it seems there is definitive proof that Bigfoot a/k/a Sasquatch actually exists and is dwelling in and around a disused commune near a remote Canadian village, eating garbage and day-old donuts, and wearing womens' undergarments. Enid L. Jehoshaphat of Chaumox, B.C., Canada reported to Canadian authorities last Monday that Sasquatch has been breaking into her home, urinating on her priceless collection of antique Lithuanian tea-cozies and wearing her vast array of turn-of-the-century crotchless panties that had been salvaged from a Lower East Side New York whore house in 1932. Evidently the burglaries have been going on for over forty years and now she's fed up.
“I was fine with Sasquatch breaking into my house, wearing my panties, and peeing on my tea-cozies for over 40 years!” Miss Jehoshaphat said on CBC radio. “But when I came home unexpectedly and he threatened me, I'd had enough!”
According to Miss Jehoshaphat Bigfoot had threatened to play his 8-tracks of Marillion for her and vote Liberal in the upcoming Canadian election.
“We weren't aware that Sasquatch was a registered voter,” Lieutenant Elwyn Danforth of the RCDUNG reported to Dubious News reporters. “We had been aware that he was involved in the burglary and vandalism of Enid Jehoshaphat's property for decades, as well as cross-dressing, attending the local gay-only bar (“The Queer Elk”), extortion, drug smuggling, murder-for-hire, human trafficking, panhandling and Jay-Walking. If we'd have suspected that he may vote liberal we would have run him out of town years ago.”
When Lt. Elwyn Danforth's comments were reported to the Canadian Authority for Equal Rights and Pancake Day (or CAERPD), their only comment was: “Chaumax? No wonder Sasquatch lives there.”
However, there was an anthropological quandary to be solved. Following an intensive investigation and examination of Sasquatch's spunk by Professor James Robert Stewart McDougal-McFitzpatrick-MacDonald of the Nova Scotia Institute of Inbred Highlanders it was determined by extraction of Sasquatch's DNA that Big Foot was in fact an Ex-Con from Lethbridge by the name of Wilson “Groovy” Nelson. And though scientists have excluded Mr. “Groovy” as being a missing link or distinct new species, they have isolated the gene that causes conscientious voting and it can now be cured at birth.
According to reliable sources, namely the Royal Canadian Dismounted Ubiquitous Narcotics Guard (or R.C.D.U.N.G.) it seems there is definitive proof that Bigfoot a/k/a Sasquatch actually exists and is dwelling in and around a disused commune near a remote Canadian village, eating garbage and day-old donuts, and wearing womens' undergarments. Enid L. Jehoshaphat of Chaumox, B.C., Canada reported to Canadian authorities last Monday that Sasquatch has been breaking into her home, urinating on her priceless collection of antique Lithuanian tea-cozies and wearing her vast array of turn-of-the-century crotchless panties that had been salvaged from a Lower East Side New York whore house in 1932. Evidently the burglaries have been going on for over forty years and now she's fed up.
“I was fine with Sasquatch breaking into my house, wearing my panties, and peeing on my tea-cozies for over 40 years!” Miss Jehoshaphat said on CBC radio. “But when I came home unexpectedly and he threatened me, I'd had enough!”
According to Miss Jehoshaphat Bigfoot had threatened to play his 8-tracks of Marillion for her and vote Liberal in the upcoming Canadian election.
“We weren't aware that Sasquatch was a registered voter,” Lieutenant Elwyn Danforth of the RCDUNG reported to Dubious News reporters. “We had been aware that he was involved in the burglary and vandalism of Enid Jehoshaphat's property for decades, as well as cross-dressing, attending the local gay-only bar (“The Queer Elk”), extortion, drug smuggling, murder-for-hire, human trafficking, panhandling and Jay-Walking. If we'd have suspected that he may vote liberal we would have run him out of town years ago.”
When Lt. Elwyn Danforth's comments were reported to the Canadian Authority for Equal Rights and Pancake Day (or CAERPD), their only comment was: “Chaumax? No wonder Sasquatch lives there.”
However, there was an anthropological quandary to be solved. Following an intensive investigation and examination of Sasquatch's spunk by Professor James Robert Stewart McDougal-McFitzpatrick-MacDonald of the Nova Scotia Institute of Inbred Highlanders it was determined by extraction of Sasquatch's DNA that Big Foot was in fact an Ex-Con from Lethbridge by the name of Wilson “Groovy” Nelson. And though scientists have excluded Mr. “Groovy” as being a missing link or distinct new species, they have isolated the gene that causes conscientious voting and it can now be cured at birth.
C-SEDS - Facts You Should Know
C-SEDS, or Chronic Spontaneous Explosive Diarrhea Syndrome is the newest deadly health concern developing in the world. Thousands of people develop this disorder each year adding to the millions world-wide that suffer from C-SEDS.
C-SEDS is a socially transmitted virus that attacks the human intestines via genetically altered enzymes found in low quality food. These enzymes cause the duodenum to spasm involuntarily and force large amounts of partially digested food through the colon at excessive speeds at the least appropriate moment.
Although untreatable and possibly fatal, C-SEDS can be prevented; usually through diet, exercise and social isolation in a remote Welsh village where you eat only rotten beets and insist your name is Bulgular the Insipid.
However, improving your diet is the best way to prevent C-SEDS. To cut down your chances of developing C-SEDS disorder you should:
C-SEDS hot-spots:
The biggest “explosion” of C-SEDS outbreaks have been in Thailand, Equador, Peru, Scotland and New Mexico, while almost an entire two-thirds of Bavaria suffers from the disease. Bavaria is in their fourth decade leading the world in C-SEDS outbreaks. Fortunately they recycle the output in sausages.
Recent C-SEDS victims:
Elroy Clem Patterson (46) of Beaumont TX, a life-long sufferer of C-SEDS shat himself to death September 3, 2011 after judging a local chili cook-off. He is mourned by his dog Mavis and his girlfriend LuLu, a one-legged lesbian rodeo clown out of Istanbul, Turkey.
Detmar Diedrick Diqhed (84) of Munich, Germany, an internationally renound sausage packaging magnate discharged himself to death August 23, 2011 after his sausage company sales skyrocketed on the German stock exchange. He is mourned by the Deutchland Center for Improper Sausages, The German Institute of Lederhosen and a bloke from Sheffield named Norris.
Shotam "The Fabulous" Morganstern (56) of Sonora, CA spewed forth from this world October 15th 2011 after consuming no fewer than 56 bean burritos in a ten minute span while in a vain attempt to get into the Guiness Book of World Records. Although he failed to break the record of 57 bean burritos in ten minutes his violent diarrheic death was not in vain. He now holds the world's record (posthumously) for being the least fabulous person ever addressed as "fabulous".
C-SEDS is a socially transmitted virus that attacks the human intestines via genetically altered enzymes found in low quality food. These enzymes cause the duodenum to spasm involuntarily and force large amounts of partially digested food through the colon at excessive speeds at the least appropriate moment.
Although untreatable and possibly fatal, C-SEDS can be prevented; usually through diet, exercise and social isolation in a remote Welsh village where you eat only rotten beets and insist your name is Bulgular the Insipid.
However, improving your diet is the best way to prevent C-SEDS. To cut down your chances of developing C-SEDS disorder you should:
- Increase your water intake from 8 to 15 glasses of water a day.
- Drink 2 – 3 liters of fruit juice daily, prune juice in particular.
- Get plenty of fiber in your diet, particularly fiber found in beans, raisins, figs and sauerkraut.
- Eat 4 – 6 boiled eggs daily.
- Ingest 3 tablespoons of cod liver oil every 4 hours.
- Eat lots of corn and peanuts.
C-SEDS hot-spots:
The biggest “explosion” of C-SEDS outbreaks have been in Thailand, Equador, Peru, Scotland and New Mexico, while almost an entire two-thirds of Bavaria suffers from the disease. Bavaria is in their fourth decade leading the world in C-SEDS outbreaks. Fortunately they recycle the output in sausages.
Recent C-SEDS victims:
Elroy Clem Patterson (46) of Beaumont TX, a life-long sufferer of C-SEDS shat himself to death September 3, 2011 after judging a local chili cook-off. He is mourned by his dog Mavis and his girlfriend LuLu, a one-legged lesbian rodeo clown out of Istanbul, Turkey.
Detmar Diedrick Diqhed (84) of Munich, Germany, an internationally renound sausage packaging magnate discharged himself to death August 23, 2011 after his sausage company sales skyrocketed on the German stock exchange. He is mourned by the Deutchland Center for Improper Sausages, The German Institute of Lederhosen and a bloke from Sheffield named Norris.
Shotam "The Fabulous" Morganstern (56) of Sonora, CA spewed forth from this world October 15th 2011 after consuming no fewer than 56 bean burritos in a ten minute span while in a vain attempt to get into the Guiness Book of World Records. Although he failed to break the record of 57 bean burritos in ten minutes his violent diarrheic death was not in vain. He now holds the world's record (posthumously) for being the least fabulous person ever addressed as "fabulous".
The Sink That Was His Prison
Man Discovered Alive After 27 Years Under a Sink.
Jedediah M. Buttweasel (54) of Dalark, Arkansas was rescued last Tuesday after spending over 27 years under a sink in a public restroom at the local Piggly Wiggly grocery store.
Exhausted, severely emaciated, pale and somewhat smelly, Mr. Buttweasel was relieved and overcome with joy as his long, horrible ordeal finally came to an end as local police and fire rescue escorted him into the first daylight he had seen in nearly 3 decades. Although in desperate need of hospitalization, food and deoderant, Mr. Buttweasel graciously took a moment to graciously speak to reporters.
When asked how he had gotten stuck under the public restroom sink in the first place, Jedediah replied, “Oh, well. I wasn't never stuck under that gol-derned sink in the first place. I just liked being there. It's cozy and quiet and the flushing of the toilets lulled me off near to sleep.” He later remarked that he warded off starvation on a steady diet of mildew, roaches and urinal cookies.
Rescue workers, satisfied with a job well done were asked how they discovered the beleaguered Mr. Buttweasel under the Piggly Wiggly restroom sink in the first place. Fire chief Clem Patterson told reporters, “Well, we always kinda wondered where Jedediah had got to but we just figured he probably must have gone fishing and got et by a gator, a python or zebra or something. But then, starting about three weeks ago we started getting reports from men local to the area that there was some creepy guy hanging out under the sink at the Piggly Wiggly. This morning we all figured he might be one of them damn liberals so we came and got him. Imagine our surprise when we found out it was long lost Jed.”
When asked if the police and fire department had a difficult time extracting Mr. Buttweasel from the sink that was his prison, Chief Patterson replied, “Naw, it weren't too hard. Took about 14 hours but we got him. We almost had him lured out around lunch time with a couple vienna sausages and some pork rinds but he said he wouldn't even think about coming out until we could assure him the war was over.” When questioned about exactly which war Jedediah was referring to Chief Patterson said, “Well, nobody here is quite too sure what the heck he was talking about. Heck, the man spent 27 years under a sink. He's a hero. Jedediah Buttweasel is probably the greatest man in our town's history.”
Police and government authorities later informed the press that they eventually got Mr. Buttweasel out from under his sink when they convinced him that Hall & Oats hadn't had a hit song in over 20 years and it was ok for him to come out. Truly a remarkable tale of survival.
Jedediah M. Buttweasel (54) of Dalark, Arkansas was rescued last Tuesday after spending over 27 years under a sink in a public restroom at the local Piggly Wiggly grocery store.
Exhausted, severely emaciated, pale and somewhat smelly, Mr. Buttweasel was relieved and overcome with joy as his long, horrible ordeal finally came to an end as local police and fire rescue escorted him into the first daylight he had seen in nearly 3 decades. Although in desperate need of hospitalization, food and deoderant, Mr. Buttweasel graciously took a moment to graciously speak to reporters.
When asked how he had gotten stuck under the public restroom sink in the first place, Jedediah replied, “Oh, well. I wasn't never stuck under that gol-derned sink in the first place. I just liked being there. It's cozy and quiet and the flushing of the toilets lulled me off near to sleep.” He later remarked that he warded off starvation on a steady diet of mildew, roaches and urinal cookies.
Rescue workers, satisfied with a job well done were asked how they discovered the beleaguered Mr. Buttweasel under the Piggly Wiggly restroom sink in the first place. Fire chief Clem Patterson told reporters, “Well, we always kinda wondered where Jedediah had got to but we just figured he probably must have gone fishing and got et by a gator, a python or zebra or something. But then, starting about three weeks ago we started getting reports from men local to the area that there was some creepy guy hanging out under the sink at the Piggly Wiggly. This morning we all figured he might be one of them damn liberals so we came and got him. Imagine our surprise when we found out it was long lost Jed.”
When asked if the police and fire department had a difficult time extracting Mr. Buttweasel from the sink that was his prison, Chief Patterson replied, “Naw, it weren't too hard. Took about 14 hours but we got him. We almost had him lured out around lunch time with a couple vienna sausages and some pork rinds but he said he wouldn't even think about coming out until we could assure him the war was over.” When questioned about exactly which war Jedediah was referring to Chief Patterson said, “Well, nobody here is quite too sure what the heck he was talking about. Heck, the man spent 27 years under a sink. He's a hero. Jedediah Buttweasel is probably the greatest man in our town's history.”
Police and government authorities later informed the press that they eventually got Mr. Buttweasel out from under his sink when they convinced him that Hall & Oats hadn't had a hit song in over 20 years and it was ok for him to come out. Truly a remarkable tale of survival.
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